finding neverland

"Michael Llewelyn Davies: Excuse me, sir, you're standing on my sleeve. J.M. Barrie: [moves his foot and looks down to face Michael] Am I? So sorry. I might point out you're lying under my bench" are quotes out of the movie i just watched. why is it that movies can get the best of me sometimes. i know that i have this awesome life right now but i do miss and wonder if i'll ever find someone to love [and him love me back]. i try so hard to tell myself i'm okay without it but after watching movies that depict love between two people, i turn into mush - sulking in my own pool of wish-that-was-me already. i can't hide the way i feel about things: the idea of someone loving you so much can be described the same way as when peter was asked what he thought about J.M Barrie's play 'it was magical.'

tomorrow, i get the keys to my new apartment.

shoegaze

where is everyone?
i'm in the midst of a packing frenzy and you deprive me of comments.
what! what is wrong with all of you? ;) i move into my new place this Saturday. i got to thinking about it today and its kinda fun moving here and there. you get to try something new, experience a different part of town even though i'm still in the NorthWest. just 2 blocks west of burnside and 3 blocks from the chinatown entrance, there is certainly a different vibe here. what i'm looking forward to is painting the walls in the new apartment. jen is going to help me out with this. i actually don't have to much to write about because work is keeping me pretty busy. i have poured all of my energy into work and i still seem to run out of steam by 3 or 4. i took the streetcar home today. something i normally do not do. i saw things, i saw so many things, its almost too much. i love the city of Portland. everywhere you turn, you see something different. and a friend of mine recently told me 'nothing really matters.' and i think these three words combined to make up a thought is so vague that the meaning to it can be defined in countless ways. why is it that we try so hard to define, precisely nitpick at the intricacies of life, when all along you can't really put to much thought into it because in the end, does it really matter. what do i think matters? that would be living my life and hanging out with the friends i love. that, and they make me laugh so hard. still, that doesn't answer anything. what if i deviate and tell you i just ate (2) 2 and half ounce bags of potato chips. i was hankering for potato chips! sounds like a commercial, no? back to the subject at hand, what matters? well, you do, i do. and i want to go snowboarding soon! ah, to heck with honing in on the subject of matter. my lesson learned is the boy who made me a cake and put 30 plus candles on it is no longer the boy of today. and that is just that. and we should just embrace these memories may they be good or bad because in the end i have to believe they had to have mattered. and with that, i am reminded by what another friend wrote 'you know who you are.' natty is going to pack some more ;)

jehan, did you ever finish that childrens' book? and KORI thankies so much for all the boxes...

i see only black|noir

another hat finished and wow!!!! can jen cook up something delicious. i worked from about 1 till 5ish today and used Jen's bus pass to get me to her place right as the oscars started. who needs boys when you can eat a jen made dinner of spagetti mixed with thyme, red peppers, tomatoes, garlic, onions and sausage from PastaWorks. top it off with fresh parmesan cheese with some slices of marechal cheese and one word: divine! so, long story short, the movie, the Departed got most of the awards as well as a little bit of a nasty comment about the producer or was it director 'and first movie to have a plot.' eh? aside from that, i'm glad my favorite, pans labyrinth, was honored with a few awards this evening. and i noticed this evening that i see alot of myself in Jen as well as in Kori. we are different in so many ways but at the same time, the more i hang out with them, the more i understand why i love them so much! so the plan is to rotate each month which apartment to have dinner at. March is my month. and JEN, remember to give me that design for those earrings you want! i'm putting another order in this week. no pattern was followed when making this hat. i just went with it:

the day i left Joel |www.joelrestaurant.com|

the girl to the left was always at work before me 6.30 AM and would have these peach colored raspberries ready for me for breakfast.

Chef Joel and I, he was like 'why are you leaving me, Nathalie!'
Huo was the cold appetizers MAN.
me and the sommelier. Philippe. he is now in New York!
the sous chef and I. i think i practically drove him crazy with last minute changes.

i loved working here. i found these photos. moving sometimes isn't such a bad thing. you find memories locked up in strange places. i remember, this was back when i lived in midtown. just a little walk down memory lane. that's all!

Jen's iPod music is intact! all 2,520 songs. BUT i noticed that the transfer of songs from her iPod to mine through Senuti created music folders of each song of 2.35 GB in size. i, by mistake, deleted those music folders since under my iTunes it only showed that 6.8 GB of the same songs. maybe i'm a dufus. i don't know. anyways, now i've got 700 plus of Jen's songs... and if anything, i'm listening to some new stuff: cranes, dear catastrophe waitresses, indian vibe, etc. i removed LimeWire off of my computer since it is ILLEGAL but i need a few more songs so i might trespass again for just a day. the other thing is, does anyone know much about Senuti? am i doing something wrong? i almost maxed out my harddrive yesterday. a total of 55 GB. now, i'm at 37.4 GB. i will invest in a portable HD one of these days so i can save my songs onto that. and sorry for not picking up the phone! its not just you. ;) xxoo

www.skyradio.nl

pack! pack! pack! snack attack!

rain! rain! rain! the monsoon is here!

breakfast! breakfast! breakfast! cereal and coffee for me!

i'm going to get wet! wet! wet! today. must get going...

i am downloading 1,000 plus of Jen's songs right now through Senuti: itunes spelled backwards. its free, it works and the only hiccup is to make sure under Senuti preferences you change where the music is copied to. copy to iTunes. anyways, i was told 'not to touch the mannequin' while i was window shopping today. can you say someone isn't happy doing retail! ;) thanks for lunch Jen and see you tomorrow. i must return iPod and bus pass. this will force me also to stop by my office and do some work.

one more week here

here are some photos of my apartment. these are for you papa. i'm hoping you will be able to visit and see me in my new apartment. these are before photos. i'm about to tear it apart! |i had a hard time with the lighting|

i must figure out how i'm going to get to Jen's house this morning. via bike or via the bus. with it raining so hard outside, the choice is quite obvious and now my challenge is to find some loose change. again, the walk that jen and i so wanted to do is not going to happen this morning from the looks of it. right now, i can hear church bells. the sound of church bells, for some reason, calm me.

this weekend, i pack and i need to go into work. i need to organize my projects and catch up on all of my paperwork. its gotten a little out of hand just because of how busy work has been as of late. i'm pretty much on target to meet my 1st trimester for the year! and that my friends, is a very sweet thing.

friday humdrums

click on me

when you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.
when you write something in the left space and then
click on "say it," she says it! you can also change
persons doing the talking and the language they speak.

i did my taxes and whoa!!! did my eyes open wide to see how much taxes i paid in 2006. i could have bought a brand new car for that. but - i shouldn't complain because that money is being put to good use, right? where did this week go? on the bright side, i found a new home AND the best! is that i only have a 5 minute walk to work. i can now get home early enough to change and run 'that' route that goes over the bridges downtown. gives me that push i need in order to get back into shape. i've got to look good for my trip to Seattle with Pooch come mid-april. chi'i and currant will re-visit the city of Seattle and this time plans are to check out Bainbridge Island and the Museum of Glass |http://www.museumofglass.org/|

5th floor 2nd from left is MY NEW PAD

i have this friend who

just drove through

green river, utah... ;)

click here for another iTunes gadget

click here signal sports

the Progressive Sale
all skiwear, snowboard wear,
resort wear and every ski, board,
boot and binding on sale!
30%, Feb. 10th - 16th
40%, Feb. 17th - 23rd
50%, Feb. 24th - March 4th

i will BUY my rain coat this Saturday!

RED RIDGE FARMS

Hello, and Happy Spring. Red Ridge Farms is pleased to open for the 2007 gardening season Thursday, March 1st. Fresh from our nursery and ready now for your garden are fruit-laden citrus plants, lush cistus, tea trees, blooming helleborus and fresh herbs. Be sure to stop by the first part of March for the best pick of these gorgeous plants.

New for 2007 is our Herb of the Month corner. Each month we will highlight a new herb with loads of useful planting information, growing tips, and associated products for each herb.

March: Herb of the month is Chives.

Did you know that chives were used as a culinary and medicinal herb in China as long ago as 3,000 BC? True. Stop by the nursery for more fun factoids and pick up a few seedlings for your own herb garden.

Upcoming Show
Join us at this year’s Yard, Garden & Patio show held at the Oregon Convention Center, Friday – Sunday, February 23-25. Our booth will be double in size and showcasing:

Mediterranean ‘Gardens to Go’
Arbequina Olive Trees
Eucalyptus Trees
New garden art

2007 Calendar of Events:
Plan ahead this year and add one, or all, of these fun events to your calendar:
March 17 & 18: Dundee Hills Winegrowers Passport Weekend
April 14: Customer Appreciation Day at Red Ridge Farms
April 21: Class – Growing Unusual Fruits
May 12 & 13: Mother’s Day Tea & Scones
May 19: Class – Lavender
May 26 – 28: Memorial Day Wine Weekend
June 16: Class – Savoring Olive Oil
July 7 & 8: Yamhill Valley Lavender Festival
Sept. 15 – 30: Le Tour des Plants
Nov. 23 – 25: Thanksgiving Wine Weekend

Red Ridge Farms
5510 NE Breyman Orchards Road
Dayton, OR 97114
phone: 503.864.8502
fax: 503.864.8391
email: redridge@viclink.com
web: HYPERLINK www.RedRidgeFarms.com www.RedRidgeFarms.com

i have to say i am very satisfied with my life right now.
and that is just that.
finally, I understand myself.
|and the only thing that i lack right now
is there is not enough kissing in my life ;)|

i just watched the movie the Guardian
at the very end:

to the men and women of
the united states coast guard
'so others may live'

a job where you go out and save someones' life.
touches my heart, what about yours?
i only hope that someone thinks of me
as a miracle worker...

and on sunday, as i was driving across
the Fremont Bridge i saw a FULL rainbow.
i am A sucker for nature.

its myDay off...

SUNday

too bad i couldn't sport this new doo last night. i felt like pippi longstocking |a favorite children's book of mine and you wonder why i'm so quirky...welcome to pippi: an absurd and rollicking story of pippi who lives without any grownups in a little house at the edge of the village. not that she lives alone, mr. nilsson, the monkey, and Horse live there too; and Tommy and Annika from next door spend as much time with her as possible. and who wouldn't, for with pippi around you just never can tell what might happen next.| i think now, as an adult, i see more why i must have liked this book so much as a child. her powers of invention are second to none. and i still have this sense of creativeness abouts me. the last sentence in this book is 'i am going to be a pirate when i grow up? are you?' i always said i wanted to become a pharmacist. what about you? now, i work in the hotel industry as a senior sales manager. i plan events for a living with a little of pippi in me all the way.

it was an amazingly gorgeous sunshiney day today! it is now 10ish and it begins to rain. all i can say is that after a fun day |the photos speak for themselves. 1st one: susan in wig, 2nd one: homemade pizza, 3rd one: kristina is now of TECHage| i am feeling really sick to my stomach. i had to bail out of going to the moulin rouge mardi gras event. i shall sleep it off.


and please comment with your favorite music artists. i'm jones'in for more downloadable music. i spent a good 2 hours with k-girl in the apple store today. curious little ones, we are!

i have MONDAY off.

after work, i sum it up for you -- SE hawthorne aveda salon where i purchased the best of the best lip glosses in the world: flavor, beet root. mom, this is the stuff you remember trying on with me at that salon. kristina then made a dash to Target and spent practically 3 hours in there with me. friday night shopping at Targay. nice... our idea was to get back to her apartment to make dinner and watch the movie the Guardian but a call came in inviting us to go see the Branford Marsalis Quartet at the Newmark theater |right next to the Schnitz, the one with the Portland sign hanging out in front| after an amazing jazz show, we grabbed a few beers at shanghai tunnel. and kristina, don't quote me but i'll have to pull a suit out of my attic and look my shoes match the carpet. ;) TODAY's mission: check out a few apartments. tonight, click here is where i'll be: http://momentumeventspresents.com/mardigras/

is it 5 o' clock yet?

hello mellow...what's that on the tv? snow. keepin it real. i walked in the door this morning and hit the ground hard before i could even stand up. is that right? its time for some R&R. seriously, i'm not making any sense here? oh yea, i did learn today the difference between a gooseneck and a bumper pole? yes, let me indulge you with |recently acquired newfound knowledge| they are the two types of trailers every person who plans on transporting a horse needs to know about. not what you were expecting as an answer, eh? ;) anyways, tomorrow is the best day of the work week. i went a looking for A rain jacket this evening and found so many to choose from? signal sport for women is having their annual progressive sale. today thru Friday, 40%. on Saturday, it goes to 50% and then on and on. the girl at the store was really nice and found out about my new found love for snowboarding. she was like 'how many times have you been up?' i was like ____. she said next 'so we are having this like clinque at meadows,' so i gave her my email address. and i got to talking to her some more and said 'so i just bought gear from a goodfriend' and then i laughed and told her my color scheme and i really do look like a box of crayola crayons. the girl was like 'dude, thats the best!' when i first started out, i had my boyfriends |at the time| and i didn't like the color so i spray painted it. i was like 'nice.' i left the store feeling pretty pumped up! weird how that happens... here's hoping everyone has some crazy plans for the weekend. be safe.

great receipe for a light dinner: fresh lettuce, quinoa |which is pronounced keen-wah and is a pseudograin that is classified as a supercrop for its very high protein content (12%-18%), also high in Mg and Fe|, beets |high in Vitamin C which i've been eating a lot of lately|, edamane, cilantro with a light vinagrette dressing.

my friends made me feel amazing today! and i thank you ALL for that! tomorrow is the fifteenth of february. kimm, a friend/colleague of mine, who works as a chef informed me today that the cafeteria will be serving foods chinese new year style? the fifteenth day of the new year is the last day of the traditional new year's celebrations. it is celebrated as yuánxiāo jié (元宵节), the chinese valentine's. tangyuan, a sweet glutinous rice ball brewed in a soup, is eaten on this day. depending on locality, the same day may also be celebrated as the lantern festival, or as the chinese valentine's day.

2+14+07 =23.

the crux of the matter

it was one of them days. the one morning i had to get to work at 7.30 on the dot and the streetcar was NOT on time, there was NO time for coffee, wilson is NOT the last name of my client, missed out on the march of dimes kick-off breakfast at the hotel because i double booked myself, received 10 calls from the same client when i really needed to speak to 20 different people, made it down for lunch -- the best part of my day -- and it was DELI day in the cafeteria, back up to my desk and plowed away at every call, every challenge and every way possible to sell portland to my clients. in the midst of all of this, i managed to get a lunch date out of Jen for v-day, learned that someone loves hockey and spagetti, jennifer invited me to a 'football' something this Sunday at her house |is there something going on?| and came across some newfoundold money. case scenario: if a person dubbed |rich and mental, my favorite, right...| walked into venue |will not disclose| just throwing out money |hundred dollar bills|, would you take it? i heard it happened and i'd be first in line with my hand wide open. so right now, i've got a dime-sized blister on the bottom of my foot. i'm assuming its from snowboarding. crap! i need to walk and get me something salty for dinner and then the remainder of the night will be spent making cards, crafty is I ~ and mom, i'm not bad... well, maybe, just a little...
|||| life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~antoine de saint-exupéry, wind, sand and stars, 1939||||

resonance

[a message to my sister(s) and brother]

"Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. However, we don't all have the courage to confront our own dream.

Why?

There are four obstacles. First: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear, and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it's still there.

If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream, suffer far more when it doesn't work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse: "Oh, well, I didn't really want it anyway." We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path, except that our whole heart is in the journey. Then, we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and know that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, even though we may not understand how.

I ask myself: are defeats necessary?

Well, necessary or not, they happen. When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and get up eight times.

So why is it important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people?

Because, once we have overcome the defeats - and we always do - we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. Each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

Having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we have always wanted it there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives.

Oscar Wilde said: "Every man kills the thing he loves." And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal - when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."

~Paulo Coelho
excerpt from his introduction to The Alchemist

wuppies

http://www.ah.nl/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Heijn

mom, i want to go shopping at Albert Heijn

va va voom portland

this year, i declare that my single status will not make me mopey on February 14th. instead, i want that to be a day when i am able to express to the people in my life |family, friends, crushes| how i feel about them. the beauty of being a grown-up is that i'm no longer shy about wearing my heart on my sleeve. but at the same time, i've learned to take heed of my fathers' wise words 'don't let your guard down' in my later years of existence on this beautiful planet. this week, i am all about wanting to unabashedly share my feelings with you. why not? p.s. i still want |give me, give me| a scrabble necklace that spells out L O V E, design by poppy & ivy at 1703 NE alberta street. and my sunday so far has been exactly how i wanted it to go. sleep IN, checking for updates on my laptop and now, time for some breakfast. |what kind of person would be so arrogant as to presume the intention of another human being?| - quote out of the movie, lady in the water.

wawaweewa!

mom, we drove the loop to get to mt. hood today. and kristina 'gets me.' this is why hanging out with her is SO much FUN! i'm working on my fallen leafs and i have to say, i'm ready to take it the next level. kristina practiced her fakies while i worked on mastering my linked turns making them shorter and shorter as i could. it did snow later on in the day: a heavy wet snow but it was still beautiful, no doubt. kristina and i also have taken a vow NOT to drink any alcoholic beverages the night before heading out in the morning to go snowboarding! we paid the price today but still we managed to get a good solid four hours of riding in. we went for dinner to this place near Doug Fir and LePigeon called 'the Farm Cafe.' now, i'm at home and plans are to veg out like broccoli.

photos taken after work on Friday at a colleague's going away party. Saturday morning now. waiting on Kristina to take me to the MOUNTAIN.

my Friday morning sky. my msg to Jen, Jan, Kori & Gina: all Talk, no action, leaves the well very dry.

looking forward to the rain.

myThursday

air. anna nicole smith. big black bag. bluehour. brundage. burberry. chinatown. |the cop who waved to us three girls as he was making an arrest| debbie downer. |that would be starts with a d, ends with a d| darfur. goodbye. happy. hutzpa. jen. liger. |cross between a tiger and lion| kristina. manuel. moby. mt. bachelor. no regrets. pacific towers. pennywise.|the view on top of the pacific towers was incredible| renner. spartacus. seattle. senuti. stars. Teach the Machine. three lion bakery. trimet bus ride. |itchy| zoo snooze. valentine. |snow conditions at mt. hood: fair. we go Saturday regardless. the Farm awaits| ~ what one or two words would describe your Thursday?

pacific tower apartments: too small. tri-met new bus route downtown: we do not like it so much. sandwich shared: too small. that is how my lunch break goes...

the rasta kitty

now this is a NONthrilled looking cat. they call me mellow yellow. idee fixe \ee-day-FEEKS\, noun: an idea that dominates the mind; a fixed idea; an obsession. the reality of obsession -- its incessant return to the same few themes, scenarios and questions; its meticulous examination and re-examination of banal minutiae for hidden meanings that simply aren't there; the cancerous way an idee fixe usurps other, more interesting thoughts -- is that it is confining, not rebellious, and not fascinating but maddeningly dull. -- laura miller, "the streetwalkers of san francisco", new york times. just a new word for the day.

when is happy hour? very soon, very soon. see you Jen! i have some stories to tell you ~ ;)

knitting night FUN

i have to get some snowboarding in this weekend. and mt. hood/meadows is looking bleak/bad. so, kristina and I are thinking of heading to mt. bachelor. 3 and half hours away...

the 5,000 year old embrace after i thought of becoming a pharmacist but before getting a degree in chemistry, i thought of becoming an archeologist. it is what it is: a hug.

surprise, surprise, look out, there is a new bistro on park avenue called the park and MORE surprises which have not yet opened can be found on stark street between 10th and 11th. looks like a bookstore and a coffee shop are going up. as for snowboarding this evening, we decided not to go. :( AND i need to find a new home. come march 31st, i be laying my head somewhere else. i think i want to live closer to downtown.

at the beautiful age of 33, natalie learns of LimeWire. me iPod will be pregnanted with music soon. if there are other programs i don't know about... do tell, comment, this stuff has been around for quite some time... do you guys remember that song by alien ant farm, song name was movies.

and i'm curious to find out if i am right kristina. does that place smell like armpit or what?

STOP it NOW, click here. when george w. bush named Eric Keroack — a man who doesn't even believe in birth control — to head up america's family planning program, we knew it meant trouble. now, bush and keroack have put forward a budget that turns its back on women in need. there are more than 17 million women in the united states who require subsidized family planning services, and there is not enough funding to meet the need.

tell your member of congress to allocate $385 million for title X, america's family planning program, and pass the prevention first act.

the bush-keroack budget isn't just a misguided ideological document. it's an anti-birth control blueprint that will have very real consequences in women's lives. for every year that the federal government fails to fully fund title X, the needs of low-income women and of teens who require vital family planning services are compromised. that leads to more unintended pregnancies and endangers the health of millions of women and children.

this budget is yet another example of george bush and eric keroack choosing ideology over science and common sense. that's why congress needs not only to reject the bush-keroack budget, but to put america on a new, more promising path by passing the prevention first act.

makes me angry sometimes what we have to put up with... continue fighting, my friends, it is all worth it in the end.

to sleep in is the best. and to know that i'll be on the slopes this evening is even better. but that depends on the weather. this week has been unusually warm and no new snow has fallen over the last two days. 45 degrees right now at meadows? eh? where in Portland can i buy a King Cake? 02.20.07 = mardi gras

eighteen, 18, one followed by an eight

is how old my sister turns today! cure the boredom and email me!